Absolutely Nothing, but Everything at the Same Time

Today is the day before my birthday. My eighteenth birthday. 

Today is the day I broke a promise to my ex. 

Today is the day I gave up. 

Today is the day...

Have you ever felt so bad that you just wanted everything to be done? Completely erased from the existence of life. Pried from the deceased hands of pure life and tossed into a field of non-existence. My day was completely ruined and I am breaking promise number two on a promise list I once made with my ex. I am leaving. I am leaving his life and I am shredding memories so it's as if I never existed. I have never tried mentally forcing myself to die, but let me tell you, it does not work. I mean, it works if all you're trying to accomplish is forming a very painful headache. I am giving up on trying to make other people happy if the mission is impossible. I can only heal your wounds with my words, for I am not God. 

I do not possess supernatural powers to vanish your worries. 

I do not possess incredible super strength to fight off your insecurities.

I do not possess the knowledge to give you the correct answers to all of your questions.

I do possess a heart of gold that will rip through titanium to find the supernatural powers to vanish your worries. The super strength to fight off your insecurities. To FIND the correct answers to your questions. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will LOVE every individual that steps into this world. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will one day love a special someone like no other has loved before. 

I DO POSSESS A HEART OF GOLD THAT WILL HELP WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED. 

Today is the day. The last day I will be 17 years old. The last day I will live on this earth as a young girl that is afraid to live out her dreams, afraid to say what she wants to say, afraid to live, afraid to die, afraid to love, afraid to give, afraid to receive, afraid to control, afraid to learn, afraid to think.

Tomorrow I become a young woman that let's go of her fears and steps into a realm change. For the better. Tomorrow is the process of setting my past free and grabbing hold of the future. 

My life is in my hands. 

xoxo

Ever Changing

I am constantly rearranging my mind. Just always trying to reprogram it so I can think of an alternative career to singing, but I keep coming back to it. I've changed my mind about it at least 18 times just to change it back. I don't understand why I cannot find anything else in this huge world that takes my interest and locks it up so I can't take it back. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. I graduate in about 7 months. Everyone is submitting college applications, receiving scholarships, getting acceptance letters, while I am stuck here, rotting in my very own uncertainty about what I want to do with my life. I do have a plan, but I don't know how good my plan is. I suppose I should just try to get through high school first, and THEN think of things to do, but I don't want time to fly forward 5 years and I'm still pondering what it is I want to do. 

I've been trying to live in the moment as much as I can, but career wise, I only exist in the future. I don't understand why it's so hard for me. I mean, I know not everyone knows what they want to do with their life, but I am not like everyone else. I am me. I don't have to follow their pattern, I can create my own. 
This is a bit off topic but I feel like talking about this. I really need to let it out. At least have one person trace my thoughts on a screen. I am in love with old ways, and I recently met someone who is on the same page as me. We're still different, which is great, but we're similar also. I wish more teenagers looked at life like this. Nowadays everyone is wrapped up in technology and Facebook; that is lost time. And, "Lost time is never found again" -- Ben Franklin. I know, in a way I could be contradicting myself seems as how I'm currently using the internet, writing on blogger... but to me blogger is different! You get to write about your life ;) or better yet anything you want! It's not as time consuming as Facebook. I've just been thinking a lot about how life is changing as we introduce all these high-tech bidness into the world. Seriously, sixth graders have iPhones now, what's up with that? 

Lesson of the day:

Trust yourself. Don't be afraid to say what you want to say, it only takes 20 seconds of courage :)