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Perspective

Sometimes while looking at a situation in your life, or life in general, you just need to change the way you see things. I know that if you take a glance, you might only see one side of something. But if you take a long striking stare and adjust the way your eyes and mind perceive things, you just may get a different perspective...

Things are not always what they seem, but sometimes, they are exactly how they appear.  

Absolutely Nothing, but Everything at the Same Time

Today is the day before my birthday. My eighteenth birthday. 

Today is the day I broke a promise to my ex. 

Today is the day I gave up. 

Today is the day...

Have you ever felt so bad that you just wanted everything to be done? Completely erased from the existence of life. Pried from the deceased hands of pure life and tossed into a field of non-existence. My day was completely ruined and I am breaking promise number two on a promise list I once made with my ex. I am leaving. I am leaving his life and I am shredding memories so it's as if I never existed. I have never tried mentally forcing myself to die, but let me tell you, it does not work. I mean, it works if all you're trying to accomplish is forming a very painful headache. I am giving up on trying to make other people happy if the mission is impossible. I can only heal your wounds with my words, for I am not God. 

I do not possess supernatural powers to vanish your worries. 

I do not possess incredible super strength to fight off your insecurities.

I do not possess the knowledge to give you the correct answers to all of your questions.

I do possess a heart of gold that will rip through titanium to find the supernatural powers to vanish your worries. The super strength to fight off your insecurities. To FIND the correct answers to your questions. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will LOVE every individual that steps into this world. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will one day love a special someone like no other has loved before. 

I DO POSSESS A HEART OF GOLD THAT WILL HELP WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED. 

Today is the day. The last day I will be 17 years old. The last day I will live on this earth as a young girl that is afraid to live out her dreams, afraid to say what she wants to say, afraid to live, afraid to die, afraid to love, afraid to give, afraid to receive, afraid to control, afraid to learn, afraid to think.

Tomorrow I become a young woman that let's go of her fears and steps into a realm change. For the better. Tomorrow is the process of setting my past free and grabbing hold of the future. 

My life is in my hands. 

xoxo

A Friend With a Dream

Dear Readers, 

I am writing to ask you a favor. A very close friend of mine is asking for some feedback on her singing. She has not had singing lessons, and she does not think she is good enough to make it big one day.

What do you think?

The Best Advice

If I were to give you advice, the most valuable advice I can ever give to you would be this:

You will never be anyone but yourself. You were born in your skin and you will die in your skin. Learn to love yourself because if you don't love yourself, you don't respect yourself. How can others respect you if you don't even respect yourself? YOU are incredibly unique because there is no other person who walks this earth that is you. They don't look like you, speak like you, or act like you. Yes, everyone has flaws and nobody is perfect. Which is why you just have to be the perfect YOU that you can be. Everyone can improve in many ways, whether it's getting better at something, losing weight, gaining weight, etc. What really hurts me is when I see blogs cluttered  with girls that are toothpick thin and comments saying "I really wish I was this small." 

STOP comparing yourself to other people. You will never look like or be that person, you will only be you. You are already extraordinary, you just can't see it yet. If you want to see it, close your eyes. Eyes can only see the exterior and material things. Close your eyes and open your heart. Open your mind to new things. Change your way of thinking. You are so incredibly amazing that it sickens me you do not see it. You can do anything you set your mind to. 

Don't drop your goals of losing weight just because I am telling you that you are perfect the way you are... but don't obsess over getting rid of everything but your flesh and bones.

If I were to give you one piece of advice that would dramatically change your life, it would be:

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

BE. YOU.

When is the Right Time?

I am so lost. 

Alright, here's why: I really like one of my coworkers. A lot. We've been talking for a while now and it's possible that we might even start a relationship. Now, here's where it gets tricky... my EX does not know anything about this. I know, I know, he's my ex so why should he know? The thing is he still has feelings for me so I would think I am supposed to let him know myself, right? I don't want him to hear it from someone else. I just don't know when to tell him. I decided that maybe I can postpone the news until it was official between my coworker and I just so I know if this is really turning into anything... why worry someone if nothing is even happening? At the same time I think I should tell him before my friend and I start something so then if we do become official it won't be such a shock. When is the right time? 

If I were to ask myself: should you really be worrying? What if you don't start a new relationship? Then the answer would be yes. The fact is, I want to start a new relationship with this person. It just feels too right. Almost Too Perfect but I feel like I have to give this a chance. Everything that lead us up to meeting is just so in place, if I guard myself and don't give it a shot I know I would regret it. 

Too Perfect.

Is there such a thing as perfect? Or better yet, too perfect? I suppose that every relationship starts out that way, everything is too good to be true and what not, but sometimes things last, and are just naturally amazing. That's exactly what I think this is. It seems just way too perfect, but I have a feeling it's real. 

I've met someone who is incredibly amazing. Everything I look for in a guy, he has. There's only one thing stopping me from believing that he's my dream guy, but I just have to wait and figure it out later. He's a gentleman, he talks like he's pulled straight out of the past, he seems like someone who's trustworthy, he's not one of those guys that just want to get in your pants. He's respectful, I love that! We have a lot in common, which is always good, but we're different at the same time. Everything happened just so weird; we met at the perfect time, which makes me believe so much more in fate. Everything really does happen for a reason, you just have to have the patience to figure out what the reason truly is. 

Random.

I really hope this works out. I really do. Please. Just let it work out<3

Glad We're Alive for the Holidays!

Oh hey! We're alive ;D

This Christmas will be, a very special Christmas (ha-ha) no, really. I am super excited to go Christmas shopping 2 days before Christmas! I actually went on a little adventure yesterday after work to go find that Prince Vinyl I was blogging about. I found it! :) I wish it was a little more manlier but it's Prince, what can you do? That is going to make my friend, R, feel really special. But I won't put my name on the gift, R should be able to figure out who it's from anyway. I'm not sure what to get my Mom, my Brothers, and my Grandma, but I'm sure I will figure it out. Besides, I'm actually going shopping with R today, because he needs someone to help him find a gift for his mom also. 

All this gift talk! It makes me wonder what I want for Christmas, but honestly, I'm not sure if I even want anything. Anything material at least. This is the first Christmas I've ever felt like this (I know, it sounds selfish), I feel so selfless and can't wait to see what I come up with for gifts. This may be because I finally have a job so I actually have money to spend on people :) Either way, better late than never. 

Away from the Christmas subject, I was talking to my mom about the whole "2012 Apocalypse" nonsense because she was telling me about this article she read. It talks about this older man who is actually mayan, and how he explains that people misinterpreted the meaning of the calender. It does not predict the end of the world, it shows the end of a cycle. So apparently, it ends in 2012 because a cycle has ended, and the new year shall bring us better things. You can read the article here. I found it very interesting. Crazy people! Thought we were all going to die :P 

Lesson of the day:

Don't let other people bring you down. 

We're Gonna Live!

So even though the world isn't going to end in 4 days, I know that some people will be acting a fool when this Friday comes. I'm not trying to bash on all of your dreams if you believe we're all going to die, but we're not going to die. Besides, even if we were, I'd be more afraid of all the crazy people doing idiotic things because they think "oh what the heck, I'm gonna die anyways! YOLO!" Ha... right. Last thing I need is someone coming up to me talking about some "YOLO" and shooting me in the face thinking they're going to get away with it. I don't think so. It makes me curious to see how barbaric the world is going to act on the 21st; it's too bad I can't stay out of the chaos by ditching school and sitting at home all day. 

With Christmas coming up (if we make it to Christmas) I have a few ideas for gifts I'd love to get for my family and friends. I would like for them to have some meaning behind them instead of just picking out a random piece of jewelry that no one will ever wear a week after Christmas. I won't post the ideas just yet, just in case I have some wandering eyes spying on my blog :P One thing I will mention though is this Prince vinyl. 

I would really love to find this vinyl. I just don't know where to look! I'm really iffy about ordering things online so I can cross that off of my list of Do's. Does anyone have any idea where I can find this? Info would be greatly appreciated :)

Lesson of the day: 
Do what makes you happy. Think later. 

Ever Changing

I am constantly rearranging my mind. Just always trying to reprogram it so I can think of an alternative career to singing, but I keep coming back to it. I've changed my mind about it at least 18 times just to change it back. I don't understand why I cannot find anything else in this huge world that takes my interest and locks it up so I can't take it back. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. I graduate in about 7 months. Everyone is submitting college applications, receiving scholarships, getting acceptance letters, while I am stuck here, rotting in my very own uncertainty about what I want to do with my life. I do have a plan, but I don't know how good my plan is. I suppose I should just try to get through high school first, and THEN think of things to do, but I don't want time to fly forward 5 years and I'm still pondering what it is I want to do. 

I've been trying to live in the moment as much as I can, but career wise, I only exist in the future. I don't understand why it's so hard for me. I mean, I know not everyone knows what they want to do with their life, but I am not like everyone else. I am me. I don't have to follow their pattern, I can create my own. 
This is a bit off topic but I feel like talking about this. I really need to let it out. At least have one person trace my thoughts on a screen. I am in love with old ways, and I recently met someone who is on the same page as me. We're still different, which is great, but we're similar also. I wish more teenagers looked at life like this. Nowadays everyone is wrapped up in technology and Facebook; that is lost time. And, "Lost time is never found again" -- Ben Franklin. I know, in a way I could be contradicting myself seems as how I'm currently using the internet, writing on blogger... but to me blogger is different! You get to write about your life ;) or better yet anything you want! It's not as time consuming as Facebook. I've just been thinking a lot about how life is changing as we introduce all these high-tech bidness into the world. Seriously, sixth graders have iPhones now, what's up with that? 

Lesson of the day:

Trust yourself. Don't be afraid to say what you want to say, it only takes 20 seconds of courage :)

Hydrocephalus Awareness

Hydrocephalus is a brain condition (no, it's not a sexually transmitted disease) where there is a build up of Cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) on the brain. People can be born with it, or they can be diagnosed with it later in life (like me). This is what Hydrocephalus looks like:

This is my brain before my surgery, since then it has gotten a lot better than what it was, but it's still not normal. In my case, this was caused by a brain tumor. Now, there are two ways to treat Hydro, but there are no ways to cure it (so this will consume my life). The first way to treat it would be to get a shunt in place. A shunt is a tube which, in this case, runs from the brain to the stomach. I am currently not shunted but there is always a chance I can be in the future. The second way, which is the direction my surgeon decided to go with, is called a third ventriculostomy. I know, I'll give you a moment to process that word. In simple terms, it's basically a procedure in which there is a hole made in the third ventricle. All of that black space is definitely NOT normal in case you were wondering ;D 

Lesson of the day:

 No matter what you are going through, even if the forces of destiny try to restrain you with burning ropes that tie your hands together, you can always make it through. But the only way you can make it through your struggle, is if you NEVER. GIVE. UP. Because when you’ve hit the darkest point in your journey, that’s when you know you’ll see the light again.

Happiness is Key

It is very crazy how things play out. How things just fall into place, almost effortlessly. How you can just go on with your day and have something so amazing jump into your life at any time. It's almost fun to glance into the past and then focus back in to the present, sometimes it's like... Who would've thought this would happen? Ya know? I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. It really doesn't matter if we agree with it or not, it was for a reason.

I feel so ALIVE! :) Energized and ready to take on the world!! I wonder if this is because of a Karma bracelet I just bought in balboa? Whatever is making me feel like this THANK YOU :) I so desperately want to let out what is happening in my life that is making me so ":D" but I don't think now is the right time. I suppose I can hint at it a little but it might be to early to say...
There's a new face in my life that I can't seem to forget. I can't deny nor can I contain my emotions. I have tried countless times to reject what I feel for a few reasons but there is just no getting around it -- my interest has officially been sparked. 


Lesson of the day:
Better safe than sorry.

Life Is What You Make It

I am confined by shadows of confusion. Every time I go to make a decision or speak, there is always confusion standing behind me, breathing out pulses of oppressive energy which makes me choke on my logic. I'm usually good about enclosing my emotions inside of me, but lately, my emotions have been seeping through my skin. I've dealt with a few major situations in my short 17 years of life, but this situation is surely one that I will learn huge lessons from. How are you supposed to know that God is speaking to you? What if you think he's saying one thing to you but something else that totally contradicts what he's telling someone else? How are you supposed to know you've made the right decision? Do you just have to wait it out until you're somewhere lost in the halls of the future? Do you go with your gut and let things play out? Is it all just one big adventure?  

I seek adventure. I want to be adventurous and take risks and live. I want to taste the sweet destiny that is laid out before me. I want to live life in a completely different way with a totally different mindset. I want to live out of my comfort zone, to test myself, to be embarrassingly brave. "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery and I promise you, something great will come out of it." -- We Bought a Zoo. I so desperately crave to live like this, the need to be out of the box is totally consuming my world. I want to make people happy, I want myself to be happy, I want to start Paying It Forward. I want my existence to be backed up by a purpose. 

I know this post is a bit general, but I promise there is a great explanation. Maybe I'll get into more detail soon, but for now I just needed to translate my thoughts into words that I can read. 

Lesson of the day:
There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. 

A New Beginning

I find it hilarious that I stop blogging... and then start blogging again around my birthday every year. I turn 18 in February, and I am trying to make that transition from supposed-to-be-reckless-teenager to a young lady that has this mysterious yet adventurous vibe to her (me). I want to change! But at the same time still hold on to what I am and what I'm about, which, obviously won't EVER change. I would say you'd probably know this by now but I actually went ahead and deleted ALL of my previous posts, which I am starting to regret. I guess it's just out with the old and in with the new, right? I guess a formal introduction for my new blog would be appropriate, so....

My name is       ! Maybe one day I'll reveal my identity but that day is not today! I am currently 17 and struggling to make it past my senior year of high school, I am employed, I love to write, sing, laugh, and love. I have a passion (sort of) for American Sign Language (ASL), I breathe music. I have a very adventurous imagination that runs away without me... haha. On a serious note, I am living with this magical brain condition that gives me super brain powers which enables me to move things around using my mind! It's CRAZY! It's called Hydrocephalus, and no, it unfortunately does not give me any magical brain powers of any sort, maybe just magical headaches because they magically appear out of nowhere. That's about as magical as it gets. It was caused by a brain tumor called a low-grade glioma. I had surgery in April of 2012, they had to speed up the process or else I would've went blind. Unfortunately they did not remove the tumor because they cannot get to it, for it is in an extremely sensitive spot in my brain. WOOOOO!

Enough with the serious business though, that's no fun to talk about. I suppose this shall suffice for a second first blog post :) 

Lesson of the Day: 
Be better than you were yesterday.