Absolutely Nothing, but Everything at the Same Time

Today is the day before my birthday. My eighteenth birthday. 

Today is the day I broke a promise to my ex. 

Today is the day I gave up. 

Today is the day...

Have you ever felt so bad that you just wanted everything to be done? Completely erased from the existence of life. Pried from the deceased hands of pure life and tossed into a field of non-existence. My day was completely ruined and I am breaking promise number two on a promise list I once made with my ex. I am leaving. I am leaving his life and I am shredding memories so it's as if I never existed. I have never tried mentally forcing myself to die, but let me tell you, it does not work. I mean, it works if all you're trying to accomplish is forming a very painful headache. I am giving up on trying to make other people happy if the mission is impossible. I can only heal your wounds with my words, for I am not God. 

I do not possess supernatural powers to vanish your worries. 

I do not possess incredible super strength to fight off your insecurities.

I do not possess the knowledge to give you the correct answers to all of your questions.

I do possess a heart of gold that will rip through titanium to find the supernatural powers to vanish your worries. The super strength to fight off your insecurities. To FIND the correct answers to your questions. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will LOVE every individual that steps into this world. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will one day love a special someone like no other has loved before. 

I DO POSSESS A HEART OF GOLD THAT WILL HELP WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED. 

Today is the day. The last day I will be 17 years old. The last day I will live on this earth as a young girl that is afraid to live out her dreams, afraid to say what she wants to say, afraid to live, afraid to die, afraid to love, afraid to give, afraid to receive, afraid to control, afraid to learn, afraid to think.

Tomorrow I become a young woman that let's go of her fears and steps into a realm change. For the better. Tomorrow is the process of setting my past free and grabbing hold of the future. 

My life is in my hands. 

xoxo

Hydrocephalus Awareness

Hydrocephalus is a brain condition (no, it's not a sexually transmitted disease) where there is a build up of Cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) on the brain. People can be born with it, or they can be diagnosed with it later in life (like me). This is what Hydrocephalus looks like:

This is my brain before my surgery, since then it has gotten a lot better than what it was, but it's still not normal. In my case, this was caused by a brain tumor. Now, there are two ways to treat Hydro, but there are no ways to cure it (so this will consume my life). The first way to treat it would be to get a shunt in place. A shunt is a tube which, in this case, runs from the brain to the stomach. I am currently not shunted but there is always a chance I can be in the future. The second way, which is the direction my surgeon decided to go with, is called a third ventriculostomy. I know, I'll give you a moment to process that word. In simple terms, it's basically a procedure in which there is a hole made in the third ventricle. All of that black space is definitely NOT normal in case you were wondering ;D 

Lesson of the day:

 No matter what you are going through, even if the forces of destiny try to restrain you with burning ropes that tie your hands together, you can always make it through. But the only way you can make it through your struggle, is if you NEVER. GIVE. UP. Because when you’ve hit the darkest point in your journey, that’s when you know you’ll see the light again.

Happiness is Key

It is very crazy how things play out. How things just fall into place, almost effortlessly. How you can just go on with your day and have something so amazing jump into your life at any time. It's almost fun to glance into the past and then focus back in to the present, sometimes it's like... Who would've thought this would happen? Ya know? I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. It really doesn't matter if we agree with it or not, it was for a reason.

I feel so ALIVE! :) Energized and ready to take on the world!! I wonder if this is because of a Karma bracelet I just bought in balboa? Whatever is making me feel like this THANK YOU :) I so desperately want to let out what is happening in my life that is making me so ":D" but I don't think now is the right time. I suppose I can hint at it a little but it might be to early to say...
There's a new face in my life that I can't seem to forget. I can't deny nor can I contain my emotions. I have tried countless times to reject what I feel for a few reasons but there is just no getting around it -- my interest has officially been sparked. 


Lesson of the day:
Better safe than sorry.