Absolutely Nothing, but Everything at the Same Time

Today is the day before my birthday. My eighteenth birthday. 

Today is the day I broke a promise to my ex. 

Today is the day I gave up. 

Today is the day...

Have you ever felt so bad that you just wanted everything to be done? Completely erased from the existence of life. Pried from the deceased hands of pure life and tossed into a field of non-existence. My day was completely ruined and I am breaking promise number two on a promise list I once made with my ex. I am leaving. I am leaving his life and I am shredding memories so it's as if I never existed. I have never tried mentally forcing myself to die, but let me tell you, it does not work. I mean, it works if all you're trying to accomplish is forming a very painful headache. I am giving up on trying to make other people happy if the mission is impossible. I can only heal your wounds with my words, for I am not God. 

I do not possess supernatural powers to vanish your worries. 

I do not possess incredible super strength to fight off your insecurities.

I do not possess the knowledge to give you the correct answers to all of your questions.

I do possess a heart of gold that will rip through titanium to find the supernatural powers to vanish your worries. The super strength to fight off your insecurities. To FIND the correct answers to your questions. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will LOVE every individual that steps into this world. 

I do possess a heart of gold that will one day love a special someone like no other has loved before. 

I DO POSSESS A HEART OF GOLD THAT WILL HELP WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED. 

Today is the day. The last day I will be 17 years old. The last day I will live on this earth as a young girl that is afraid to live out her dreams, afraid to say what she wants to say, afraid to live, afraid to die, afraid to love, afraid to give, afraid to receive, afraid to control, afraid to learn, afraid to think.

Tomorrow I become a young woman that let's go of her fears and steps into a realm change. For the better. Tomorrow is the process of setting my past free and grabbing hold of the future. 

My life is in my hands. 

xoxo

Glad We're Alive for the Holidays!

Oh hey! We're alive ;D

This Christmas will be, a very special Christmas (ha-ha) no, really. I am super excited to go Christmas shopping 2 days before Christmas! I actually went on a little adventure yesterday after work to go find that Prince Vinyl I was blogging about. I found it! :) I wish it was a little more manlier but it's Prince, what can you do? That is going to make my friend, R, feel really special. But I won't put my name on the gift, R should be able to figure out who it's from anyway. I'm not sure what to get my Mom, my Brothers, and my Grandma, but I'm sure I will figure it out. Besides, I'm actually going shopping with R today, because he needs someone to help him find a gift for his mom also. 

All this gift talk! It makes me wonder what I want for Christmas, but honestly, I'm not sure if I even want anything. Anything material at least. This is the first Christmas I've ever felt like this (I know, it sounds selfish), I feel so selfless and can't wait to see what I come up with for gifts. This may be because I finally have a job so I actually have money to spend on people :) Either way, better late than never. 

Away from the Christmas subject, I was talking to my mom about the whole "2012 Apocalypse" nonsense because she was telling me about this article she read. It talks about this older man who is actually mayan, and how he explains that people misinterpreted the meaning of the calender. It does not predict the end of the world, it shows the end of a cycle. So apparently, it ends in 2012 because a cycle has ended, and the new year shall bring us better things. You can read the article here. I found it very interesting. Crazy people! Thought we were all going to die :P 

Lesson of the day:

Don't let other people bring you down. 

Ever Changing

I am constantly rearranging my mind. Just always trying to reprogram it so I can think of an alternative career to singing, but I keep coming back to it. I've changed my mind about it at least 18 times just to change it back. I don't understand why I cannot find anything else in this huge world that takes my interest and locks it up so I can't take it back. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. I graduate in about 7 months. Everyone is submitting college applications, receiving scholarships, getting acceptance letters, while I am stuck here, rotting in my very own uncertainty about what I want to do with my life. I do have a plan, but I don't know how good my plan is. I suppose I should just try to get through high school first, and THEN think of things to do, but I don't want time to fly forward 5 years and I'm still pondering what it is I want to do. 

I've been trying to live in the moment as much as I can, but career wise, I only exist in the future. I don't understand why it's so hard for me. I mean, I know not everyone knows what they want to do with their life, but I am not like everyone else. I am me. I don't have to follow their pattern, I can create my own. 
This is a bit off topic but I feel like talking about this. I really need to let it out. At least have one person trace my thoughts on a screen. I am in love with old ways, and I recently met someone who is on the same page as me. We're still different, which is great, but we're similar also. I wish more teenagers looked at life like this. Nowadays everyone is wrapped up in technology and Facebook; that is lost time. And, "Lost time is never found again" -- Ben Franklin. I know, in a way I could be contradicting myself seems as how I'm currently using the internet, writing on blogger... but to me blogger is different! You get to write about your life ;) or better yet anything you want! It's not as time consuming as Facebook. I've just been thinking a lot about how life is changing as we introduce all these high-tech bidness into the world. Seriously, sixth graders have iPhones now, what's up with that? 

Lesson of the day:

Trust yourself. Don't be afraid to say what you want to say, it only takes 20 seconds of courage :)

Life Is What You Make It

I am confined by shadows of confusion. Every time I go to make a decision or speak, there is always confusion standing behind me, breathing out pulses of oppressive energy which makes me choke on my logic. I'm usually good about enclosing my emotions inside of me, but lately, my emotions have been seeping through my skin. I've dealt with a few major situations in my short 17 years of life, but this situation is surely one that I will learn huge lessons from. How are you supposed to know that God is speaking to you? What if you think he's saying one thing to you but something else that totally contradicts what he's telling someone else? How are you supposed to know you've made the right decision? Do you just have to wait it out until you're somewhere lost in the halls of the future? Do you go with your gut and let things play out? Is it all just one big adventure?  

I seek adventure. I want to be adventurous and take risks and live. I want to taste the sweet destiny that is laid out before me. I want to live life in a completely different way with a totally different mindset. I want to live out of my comfort zone, to test myself, to be embarrassingly brave. "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery and I promise you, something great will come out of it." -- We Bought a Zoo. I so desperately crave to live like this, the need to be out of the box is totally consuming my world. I want to make people happy, I want myself to be happy, I want to start Paying It Forward. I want my existence to be backed up by a purpose. 

I know this post is a bit general, but I promise there is a great explanation. Maybe I'll get into more detail soon, but for now I just needed to translate my thoughts into words that I can read. 

Lesson of the day:
There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. 

A New Beginning

I find it hilarious that I stop blogging... and then start blogging again around my birthday every year. I turn 18 in February, and I am trying to make that transition from supposed-to-be-reckless-teenager to a young lady that has this mysterious yet adventurous vibe to her (me). I want to change! But at the same time still hold on to what I am and what I'm about, which, obviously won't EVER change. I would say you'd probably know this by now but I actually went ahead and deleted ALL of my previous posts, which I am starting to regret. I guess it's just out with the old and in with the new, right? I guess a formal introduction for my new blog would be appropriate, so....

My name is       ! Maybe one day I'll reveal my identity but that day is not today! I am currently 17 and struggling to make it past my senior year of high school, I am employed, I love to write, sing, laugh, and love. I have a passion (sort of) for American Sign Language (ASL), I breathe music. I have a very adventurous imagination that runs away without me... haha. On a serious note, I am living with this magical brain condition that gives me super brain powers which enables me to move things around using my mind! It's CRAZY! It's called Hydrocephalus, and no, it unfortunately does not give me any magical brain powers of any sort, maybe just magical headaches because they magically appear out of nowhere. That's about as magical as it gets. It was caused by a brain tumor called a low-grade glioma. I had surgery in April of 2012, they had to speed up the process or else I would've went blind. Unfortunately they did not remove the tumor because they cannot get to it, for it is in an extremely sensitive spot in my brain. WOOOOO!

Enough with the serious business though, that's no fun to talk about. I suppose this shall suffice for a second first blog post :) 

Lesson of the Day: 
Be better than you were yesterday.